


I'm not okay

by IDoNotThinkLol



Category: Minecraft (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Diary/Journal, Insane Wilbur Soot, Manipulative Wilbur Soot, Sad, Sad Ending, Wilbur Soot Angst, Wilbur Soot is Not Okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-17 05:55:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28595076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IDoNotThinkLol/pseuds/IDoNotThinkLol
Summary: Wilbur starts a personal Journal. At first he doesn't know what to write in it but with time, and as he slowly loses his mind, he finds it easier to spill his emotions into it, until his death day. A week after his funeral Philza finds it and writes a letter to his late son, that he'll never get to send.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 35





	I'm not okay

**Author's Note:**

> First two chapters aren't that sad, nor that good, but it gest sadder and sadder as the chapters progress

Hello?  
So. this feels weird. I don't know why I'm writing a journal but I guess I bought it so... Philza said it's good to write down my emotions.   
Techno still thinks this is stupid. Tommy doesn't get an opinion, he's a child. Phil told me it's best to start a journal when you are a parent (apparently that is the only thing that kept him sane while raising us)   
I have no idea what to write in here. I might write some songs, but writing them on random paper I find would have been easier. I like showing Phil the songs I write and bringing a hardcover journal around makes things harder. [Shut up Techno, I'm trying to write] I guess I can-

__________________  
I feel stupid  
I can't believe I turned to this journal again. I feel so dumb. It's now 3 AM and I can't sleep. I'm messing around with my guitar trying to get a new song to come into my mind. I hope I don't wake up Dadza or Techno. Last time I dropped my guitar and it made a loud sound Techno woke up and seemed very upset. Maybe I can go scare him in the morning with a loud chord. That would be funny. More than that I wish Tommy won't wake up. Besides that he's a child and has to rest, he's really annoying. Why does he always copy me? Like, get your own things. Fundy is doing good. He's currently in Philza's room. I love watching him grow. I will protect him no matter what. Anyways, I don't have any paper left to write my song on so I guess I have to write some of it here... it's just a pice of it. I hope I will finish it.

Well, it's 2:45 p.m.  
Wake up from snoring, open DMs  
Can of Red Bull by the bed  
Vape is charged and   
Snapchat's read  
What's popping? x2

She's beauty, she's grace  
She has a profile picture of an anime girl's face  
/  
I'm in love with an x3  
With an e-girl  
I'm in love with an x3  
With an e-girl

__________________  
Rage  
All I feel now is rage. They kicked me out. My own people exiled me. I guess that just shows how much they all care about me. At least my family is by my side. My little brother is with me. Techno is willing to help us. I still don't know how much I could trust them. I mean... everyone in my life betrayed me, what excuse would they have? Not even a single one. After all I have done for them, after all I have fought and lost, after all the betrayal. I still get thrown aside. I still get tossed around. I have nothing now. Nothing except the two people I'm not even sure about. My own son tore the walls I slayed nights to build, just to protect him. He watched me leave, not even a single strain of regret on his face. This nation, these people are the only thing left for me. If I lose them, I have nothing. I will protect them with my life. Nothing is going to happen to them. At least that's what I tell myself every night I go to sleep, to calm myself, to feed the small flame of hope I still have left for this world. I can't...   
Why do they hate me so much? No- they don't hate me. No one... does...   
I have to just wait until I can go back home to the people I love. They'll be so happy to see me again.

__________________  
People in my life  
I hate how everyone act like they care about me. I hate the way that they sometimes seem so genuine about listening to my problems and in reality not caring even the slightest bit. I know they all hate me. I have seen it in their eyes. I have looked trough their soul. That sweet sweet melody of voce they once used to speak to me every day in just fades away as their love does, and as the sun grows it's light upon their earth so do their lies grow upon my heart. I have started to feel the pressure. Endurance. I have wished now so many times that I could fly away from my body and just live it behind, finally resting my shoulders and back from carrying the baggage of misunderstood sentences that once fooled me into thinking those people think about me. I wish I have never believed their smile... No. I wish I have cherished it more because now when I walk in a room I suck all the joy out of people. They never smile near me. I... can't remember when was the last time my family smiled at me, not because they were making fun of me or being glad I shut my mouth this time instead of saying "Hello". It would be so much easier if I could make them happy. But that would mean leaving them. But I'm too selfish for that... I don't want to be selfish anymore. I wish I could melt in the rain. I wish my tears would burn my body as much as they burn my soul, that way I could dissolve and bring final peace to people.  
I hate everyone.  
It's okay.  
They all hate me anyways.  
I just wish they would stop lieing.

__________________  
Unfinished   
This may be the last day on this cursed land. I will destroy it all. It's all going to be gone. No more countries. No more sides. Nobody will ever win. All I wish for now is to be gone. I hate to do this but the best thing would be to throw it all away. The thing I build this nation for is no more. The people I once loved and felt the same for me are gone! All of them. Not torn apart by death, but by the pure hatred they all feel for each other, because of me. I tore the family apart. No. My actions- my mind set- my own self. But it doesn't matter anymore. One wish before I am gone, is to be held in the arms of someone that I care about and once did too. The one person that acted so good, that I actually still believe they care about me to this day. I'm not going to lie, I'm hurrying up. I want it gone. I want them gone. I want- myself, gone. For all this time I taught I knew who the villain is. Who we are fighting against. But I don't. I didn't. I am the enemy. Of myself, of every single person. It's me against the world. Me against my only life goal. The very same thing I worked on most of my life not only destroyed me, but destroyed itself too.   
It's fine. I am fine. They all want me dead anyways. They all hate me anyways. All this pain I caused, all the nights I couldn't sleep because the pain I taught those people caused me, it's worthless. I did it. I caused the pain. I am the reason no one will cry at my funeral. I am the reason this symphony will never be finished. My unfinished symphony. Forever unfinished. Because of myself, because the pressure they all have on me. Because the hatred I turned towards myself. Unfinished. Forever. This is not a goodbye. This is a see you later. This is a letter that will never be sent because the receiver of it is sitting down right now and writing it. There will never be a next time. And that's how it should be.

__________________

(Philza's perspective)

My mistakes  
I can't believe you are gone now. I can't believe I am the reason you are not here with us right now. It has been over a week since your funeral right now, but I've only found this journal three days ago. I couldn't bring myself to read it. Yesterday I gave in the temptation and I have opened it. I was expecting to find the songs you have written. I wished I found the lyrics, at least. You were never hated. I never hated you. It breaks my heart that you taught I could ever have a bad taught about you. I miss you. We all do. I miss your smile, your face. I miss the way you came to me every time you taught of a new song. I miss hearing you mess with the guitar at 3 AM because you couldn't sleep. I wish I could hear it one more time being played. It now sits on your bed, trying to collect dust, but I'm never going to let it. Techno can't even look at it without breaking a pice of his heart. He never shows his true emotions but I can see trough the taught armour he dresses his heart in. Tommy is devastated. You were his idol. He blames himself, for not being able to help you more. You didn't ever bring us down. Your smile was the one lighting our hearts. Your smile was the one that brightened up every room you walked it. You never saw us smile back at you because you shined brighter than any of us. And now I can never tell you that. I only have the memories with you. We all miss you. I am so sorry you had to think that. I'm sorry I couldn't help you. I must be the worst father ever. I don't blame you for anything. Neither of us do. I'm probably never going to show this journal to your brothers. No. I have to show your brothers this journal, to let them know how much you cared about them. I hope you are in a better place now, and that you can see how much we all care about you. No matter what, you were, no, you are my son. I don't care what you do.   
I hope I will se you again, someday.


End file.
